Girls

•January 27, 2009 • Leave a Comment

You gotta love girls.  For a lot.  I mean really, think about it, girls are fun to hang out with, they are great to go out and drink with, you can curl up in your hotel room in yoga pants and feel no guilt while eating leftover chinese food at 2 am with a corkscrew… plus hey, girls have boobs.  You gotta love girls.

It was an amazing weekend with lots of laughs.  I am so thankful to have that girl as my girlfriend.  I am going to be making a very strong point to see her more and to keep in way better touch.  If you have unlimited texting, why not take advantage of it, just not at dinner while you are sitting at the same table.  I suppose it is ok at dinner while sitting at the same table if there is a band playing making it hard to hear.

I am back.  I am tired still.  Got a few things done today, but not nearly what I would have liked to have gotten done.  Tomorrow is a new day and I will be kicking ass doing as much as I can.  I have a goal to finish the craft project I am on by the time Thursday night conferences come around.  They are not connected, just a deadline.  Pics to come as to the project I am on.

Dinner making, laundry changing, and dish washing here I come, becuase at 7pm, I am reserved by the tv to watch all of the amazing dancers!

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The First Lady

•January 22, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Honestly, I can say, I have no care as to what she was, is and will wear.  She is an amazing women no matter which designer she decides to wear.  She is a strong and beautiful lady no matter which color she chooses to dress is.  Yes she looked wonderful, but honestly, people… the day was about history and her husband, not about clothing!  Clothing doesn’t make the person.  She and her family were the focus of the day… why does it matter to me, who would NEVER wear an outfit such as hers matter?!?!  Each person has a style.  Each person has a slightly different body type.  How is her style and her body type going to save the fashion industry in the US?!???? There is my short rant.

What is it to be a lady?  Is it to dress a certain way?  Is it to act a certain way?  What is it that makes a lady?

I don’t think it is the clothing.  I don’t think it is entirely the act.  I think it is the heart behind the act.  I think it is the way in which a women can say so much without uttering a word.  I believe it is in the way that she carries herself.  The way humility and pride are a fine line.  The way in which family is top priority.  There is a way about being a lady that goes beyond what can be seen. 

I can only hope to grow into what I see as a lady.  I know some may say I am there… I have work to do, a lot of work to do.  I can put on the act.  I can say the words.  I can be quiet and let my eyes say the words.  I am not sure that the pride and humility line is there… I think that is part of it.  I want to be able to be strong and stand tall, yet be silent.

Moving past that… I was re-reading some of my favorite blogs.  There are a few that wow, these people can write!  That was more of a random thought, in case you were curious.

I sit and look at my life, and how at this point, not that a job makes up a person, but I feel like I am in the middle of the lake, with no boat, in a lifejacket, bobbing… and the cooler is out of range.  I just bob there, hoping to be picked up and brought to land.  I go through each day with the feeling of little purpose.  I clean.  That’s about it, other than sit on the computer and hope to make the time move forward.  Yeah it is great to be there, but really, what are you doing?  I want to have something to do… to be… I want to make a difference.  I don’t want to be in the middle of the lake.  I want to be happy.  I want purpose. 

I have a few things that I want to to do.  I want to be in shape, like Jillian Michael in shape.  I am adding more items to my daily bobbing routine to try to get in better shape.  I want to have the house SUPER organized.  I am adding a few minutes of time each day to do that.  I want to craft things.  I take a few more minutes each day to work on (and finish) the project I have going.  I want to be write more.  I am taking time each day to spend at least 10 minutes to write… something… anything.

I want to be the strong, beautiful women who is a lady…who stands in the “limelight” but just on the outskirt of the light.  I don’t want to be a front and center person, but I want to be the biggest supporter of the center person.  I want to be able to be me and do the background work and see the good come to light, but not have to talk about it.  I want to stand tall and strong and proud, with people commenting about the physical strength as well as mental strength I have… I want to have the ability to be silent and have my presence speak for me.

The First Lady, is now a person I look up to.  She is powerful and strong.  She has the ability to speak her mind and to be silent.  I have a deep respect for her at this point.  Granted, I do not know her on a personal level, however the level in which I have seen her, she represents much of what I wish to be. 

History in the making… and it has nothing to do with fashion.

Coffee Creamer Man

•January 20, 2009 • Leave a Comment

A rather long time back, I wrote this… I wanted to blog today, but with the great words of the new President, I have nothing I can touch that would be worthy of this day.  So I share with you, despite that most of you have read it already, a brief creative writing piece.

 

Coffee Creamer Man

In the standard of my way of life.  I crawl from my warm bed to the living room and sit for a moment, any day other than Saturday; I am in the shower when I realize that I am “awake.”  So Saturdays I give myself a moment on the couch to wake up.  This moment can last from one minute to 4 hours, depending on the activities of the night before.    As I wake up, I notice no coffee in my hand.  This is not right.  This must be rectified. 

The kitchen in which I did not clean up after Big Tacos, is scary.  It is a dark smelly room that only reminds you of what is yet to come. 

I work my way to the coffee maker, and damn- out.  No coffee is made.  Not wanting to wake the sleeping beast child I find the only ground coffee in the house.  This is a “treat” for me.  A chocolate breakfast coffee that has aroma protruding out of the sealed bag. 

I feel more awake already just smelling the ground coffee beans.  The routine of making coffee occurs with little to no thought; water, filter, coffee grounds, turn on.

The almost bubbling excitement sound of coffee brewing ending happens.  At this point I am not more awake than I was 5 minutes before while mindlessly creating the caffeine goddess that I will surely become today.

I get my cup, I fill it.  The special chocolate Carmel creamer procured especially for this chocolate breakfast coffee is calling to me.  I answer it with a slow yet powerful opening of the refrigerator.  As I go to pour the dark goodness into the better yet dark goodness, there is a problem. 

There is a problem large enough at this moment to spur emotion.  It doesn’t pour.  Ahhh yes, there is the little silver seal with the minuscule tab to “help” you open it.  You pull until your fingers hurt, using nails and flesh… nothing.  No chocolate caramel coffee creamer for you.  So in a moment of logic verses rage, you put the knife down and use your teeth to pry the sliver sealed tabbed bastard in the way of your love affair with caffeinated goodness.  Your teeth get the slight metallic taste.  But after taking longer to struggle with the silver sealed tab than it took to make 10 beautiful cups of coffee, you are able to sit with your perfect cup of coffee.

 Mr. Coffee Creamer Man who believes this little tab was a good idea to put on there instead of a giant tab that one can actually open without the use of teeth, I kick you in the nuts today.

The weekend

•January 17, 2009 • Leave a Comment

The long awaited plans for celebrating a friend’s birthday are almost here.  It is rare for me to plan something months in advance.  I have had the hotel booked way before I even knew what was going on the day I booked it.  This is going to be a good time.  I have this Saturday and next weekend planned.  Not quite sure how that happened, but I am excited!  There is something about the friends from years past, that makes me feel so good.  They don’t expect me to be anything other than me.  I am not anything beyond me… I am not tied to the daily grind.  There is a great feeling in being accepted as who you are, as apposed to what you have become… mother, wife, caregiver…

I hold the very few people who have been a part of my life before I had this life, so very dear.  There are not many of them.  I have a few of those people.  There is no fault of the friend I have “now”  they are the greatest friends I could ask for.  It is just something I find myself looking for, something is is mine.  Just mine.  I share so much as a mom, wife, friend… that there is really very little I find myself being selfish with.  Rarely am I the only one eating off my plate, or drinking from my cup.  I have guests in the shower with me.  I like having the few things that are “mine” and what is better than a person to share the joy of knowing each other since you were.. well.. you.

I am rambling.  Today is a day that it is all I can do to stay awake.  I am not sure why, but I am just so tired.  I am off to start packing, I have no idea what I am wearing, but hey, do I ever?!  he he

Have a great weekend, I will think of you from the hot tub with rum in hand… 😀

Aquila, Soap and the Lost

•January 14, 2009 • Leave a Comment

For whatever reason, I have started to really care if I am happy or not.  I know this sounds strange to many people, but this is a huge deal for me.  I am not the person I was a year ago.  I am not the person I was 5 years ago.  I am not the person I was 10 years ago.  I am barely the person I was the day before.  I know a few things to be true.  Those things are the ones that are a driving force for me to find my happiness.

This is a long and desperately difficult process.  What makes you happy?  I can’t answer that to the fullest degree.  That is what this is about it.  I know that I have been unhappy for a very long time.  I know that I am not going to be unhappy for much longer.  I am going to get over this and be a better person for it.

One of the great debates in the quest for happiness was the search for work that makes me feel as though I am making a difference or that I am at least doing … something… I was worried about my job in the fact that it was never what I was hired as, I was told I could work form home, and that didn’t happen… Lots of things were just off enough that I was really starting to worry that I was causing more mental harm to myself by going.  That was solved by my being laid off on Monday.  I am not sure how I really feel about it.  There is a small bit of relief, there is a bit of guilt, there is a lot of what if, then there is the question as to money.  I didn’t make much.  But it was nice to make something.  To have some money that was… mine.  That I earned.  That wasn’t a part of the collective.  I sit in a state of panic over stupid things rather than the big things.  I panic over the fact that I will have to get my nails taken off, rather than fill them.  That was one of those things that I love, that is special for me… but I am not working, so I shouldn’t spend the money on it.  That instead of getting up in the morning and getting ready for work, I have to find something to make the day worth getting up for.  I don’t want to just be here… I don’t want to be nothing… I want to be special, I want to be someone who makes a difference… I want to be in the world, not just a small part of it.

I remember getting up in the mornings at Aquila.  I remember the feeling of pushing my everybeing to mop the laundry, vac the entry way and windex a few key windows.  I remember going into my kitchen and looking around, to just think how I know what I was doing wasn’t enough.  Then going back out and doing something else.  After whatever that something else was, I would stand in the kitchen and start it all over.  All the while having my little girl staring at me.  I would play with her and involve her in whatever I was doing.  We’d sing, we’d dance… but I know I never did enough.  Here I am, 4 years later, standing in the kitchen…

In my state of small panic, I decided to make liquid soap today.  Grate up bar soap mix with hot water and pour into the dispensers… one reason was to use the soap in the cabinet, the other was I couldn’t see spending money on liquid soap, when I can make it.

I deep sense of being lost if where I am.  I don’t know where to put my energies.  I don’t know where to put my thoughts.  Just when I thought I was getting myself into a good state of mind to be happy to teach myself step by step what I need to be happy… I stand in my kitchen.  There are fleeting hints from somewhere telling me that this is where I should be at this moment.  That not having a job, again, and not having a life… outside of my house, is opening a door for me.  That a higher power is hinting to me to just do whatever it is I need to just do to be happy.

I am hoping that in the hinting, I will do the laundry and instead of finding junk in pockets, I am praying for a road map.  I am hoping somehow, that the hinting stops and things become clear as to how and when and where.  Until that happens, I trudge on it.  Step by baby step I keep going.  One forward, one back, two forward, one back… as long as I don’t fall back, keep going…

I am within 7 pounds of my goal weight… I am happy… I am terrified.  I am sitting at home… with food and nothing to do and no sense of having myself be worth the effort to continue the battle for those 7 pounds.  Think about it, I don’t do anything, I don’t see anyone, I am just here… cleaning, cooking, watching tv, doing anything I can to occupy my mind.  Why should I be concerned with my physical… no one sees me.  There isn’t anything giving me the driving sense of making myself more than I am at this moment.

I’ve got music going, laundry going, and new mascara.  What, I’ve got to try to be happy about something each day?  I leave with the hope of summer… and dancing… and happiness found.

The best of intentions

•January 4, 2009 • 3 Comments

Do you ever notice the best of intentions do not always end up the way you thought?  There is a lot of that going around and we are only a few days into 2009.

This year for Christmas, and things are not necesairly my “thing,” so please excuse my talking about this… I got a new phone.  I have never owned a phone that isn’t the whatever they’ll give me phone.  I love it.  I mean I really do love it.  It is dumb to say, but I feel a bit special having it.  Because again, I have never had anything beyond what they will give me.  I have a phone that does everything I want and 10 times more than that.  I can do everything I have ever wanted to do on a phone.  Plus, it fits in my pocket.  There is a small pride in having this phone that would normally be for “important” people, or people who would really need to check email from their phone, or people who send lots of pictures from their phone, or people who are special enough to have a non-what they’ll give me phone.  It is with that sense that I get to have something that is nice, something that is beyond what I have ever done that makes me so f*ing crazy!  I know it is fun to mess with people, I do it too.  It is hard when for the first time ever you have something you are happy and proud of to have, when others mess with you.  I am ok with it most of the time, and even with my phone I am ok with it most of the time.  I know that MOST people are not going to break my phone.  I know that MOST people do it just to have a little fun.  … … but it is hard when you see one person who is known for breaking anything they touch, who breaks seemingly indestrucatble kids toys, takes your phone, with the best of intentions and you see something go wrong.  Then it is hard to hand over the phone again… to watch them do something you don’t understand and not to have them explain what they are doing.  I don’t mean to be such a bitch, but it is my phone… show me, teach me, tell me how to do it.  I’d love to learn.  I want to learn.  I want to know… Is it possessive and stupid, yes!  I am going to try to be better about it.  I just don’t want to see it broken and I want to know and I am a stupid girl who just can’t let go of the thought of it is going to be ruined and I don’t want to be mad or sad when it does happen, so if it does happen let me be the one to do it because I can stand being mad and sad at myself… *pant pant pant breath*

I spent the later weeks of 2008 trying to get caught up.  Trying to not be so far behind.  I read once that you should never think or talk about how busy you are with everyday things, laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc… because everyone is busy with life.  It is hard to do, especially when you are greated in the morning by a child who has no clean pants, a kitchen full of dirty dishes, soda cans everywhere, blankets and stuff all over… So it is my decision that I am not going to talk about being behind.  I am not going to dwell on it.  I am going to ‘just do.’  When I start to feel behind I am going to get up and 15 minutes at a time ‘just do.’  I am going to set out of list of the “bigger” or uncommon projects for the week and ‘just do’ them.  Most of the time they are going to be silly simple little things like the start of this week’s list.  Move compost spinner into garage.  Move garbage cans closer to door in garage.  Get batteries.  Get car tabs.  Nothing on it is complicated.  It just needs me to ‘just do’ them.  The best of intentions I have… but leave me behind and in a mental rut trying to claw my way out.  I have to stop thinking and start ‘just doing.’  One thing at a time, one baby step at a time.

Along these lines I have to work on not reading into what people say.  There are times when it is ok… but certain words just ring in my head.  I am still a little dazed after the games and fun we had at the house last night.  Words keep resonating in my head “drama” “bitch” “whatevs” “unimpressed” … I just want it to stop.  I know I am the only one who can do that… but I feel powerless in my own world to make that happen.  Maybe I needs meds, or therapy, or sun, or tanning or a straight jacket… I don’t know.  I am going to let the words be quited by music as I clean up the kitchen.  I am going to not take words as seriously.

2009 here we come with the best of intentions!

An Old Year and a New Year: When They Collide

•December 31, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Reflecting on the year always is a strange thought to me.  I don’t see it as a look at the past, but a look to the future.  However, it is hard not to think back on the year.

There have been such good things, and such bad things.  It is hard to really think about a year in one sitting.  Emotions are so strong when you are in them, however once you leave your head and live out in the world, the strong feelings seems to disapate… they fade… like the past 12 months, 365 days… the whole year.

This group of friends I call my family, wow, it has been a year. 

There have been fights, really bad ones.  There have been hugs, really good ones.  There is going to be a baby.  There was a building time, that all friendships need.  That building time is important no matter the level of friendship. 

There have been parties.  There have been times of being alone.  This past year has shown us all a lot of ups and downs.

There have been hellish jobs.  There have been no jobs.  There have been fincial triumphs and woes.  There have been dreams unknown coming to the surface.  There have been dreams known change.

There were motorcycles.  And trips.  A time to be solo and a time to be on the road with friends.  There were firsts, many of those.  There was even a night where there were exhaust pipes right in your face.

There were apartments and houses.  And moves.  There were rings and things. 

There were times of growing up.  And times of being so young.  There were times it was hard to believe the young were so grown up.  A few times it was hard to see how young the grown ups are.

There were times to see trust in the eyes of those around you.  Something that is not an easy thing to see. 

There were laughs and tears.

There is going to be a baby!

There was the loss of the one I looked up to so much…

I wouldn’t say that I wasted this year, but I can’t say I did… much.. I didn’t ‘just do’ all that I wanted.  I still have a large list of somedays, that remains untouched for another year.

I sit here, in the middle of music and a house on the verge of clean, thinking about this list.  I need to update it.  To focus on it.  To find a way to drive the burning passion for things that I desire to come true.  To take that baby step in doing my somedays.

SomeDay(s) by Sara

(x)= complete/ mostly complete

Ride in a hot air balloon

Go somewhere tropical

Go to Greece

Go to Morrocco

Go on a ‘real’ road trip

Host a really great party

Grow a “Better Homes and Garden” garden

Grow my own salad

Grow flowers to bring inside everyday of the summer

Be out of debt

Get in and STAY in good shape

Publish something

Complete a DIY project by MYSELF

Learn to dance (ballroom dance, clog, all kinds of dance)

Be in New York on New Year’s

Have a CLEAN and Organized house

See a friend unadulterately happy

Make a difference in a stranger’s life

Bellydance on stage

Kiss in the rain, not because it is on the list, but because the moment is ‘right’

Quit caring about how others see me

Be comfortable not being in control

Find a way to use my words to tell those in my life, I love them

Do more crafts, well finish the ones I started and do more of them

Own a motorcycle and drive it (x)

Finish my degree (x)

 

That is the list as of today, it is ever changing and adapting, growing, a work in progress, like me.

This next year I am going to really get going on my list.  I am going to try to do all the things I know I can do and not be held back by people, fear, or myself. 

When years collide they can give you the vision to see into yourself.  Let’s see something a little bit better next year.