Needing that outlet

There is no reason to blog other than to let others know how you feel or what is going on in your life.  Unless… you are as crazy as I am.  I just need that outlet.  I need to write what is going on in my head.  I need to “let all the little voices out.” 

Life has really just had me down.  Between work, home and everything thereafter… it seems there is little room for something that is … is… a time where I can relax and not have any emotion associated it with that time.

If I try to read I have guilt over not cleaning.  When I am cleaning I have guilt over not spending more time with Peanut.  When I am spending time with Peanut I feel a compulsion to try to make the house better… I want her to want to have her friends come over… and not be embarrassed… crap I forgot to have her call her friend back, I left work and she called… and by the time I picked her up and got home and got dinner on and picked up I forgot… now it is too late.

There is a circle affect of things leading to me feeling pressure or guilt to be doing more.  Do more, say more, cook more, clean more, make more, be more…

Next year I will be 30.  I know it is a long way away…

But not in my head. Not that anything in my head makes sense…

Here I ramble, hoping for some resolution.  Hoping for something.  There is a lot I hope for.  There is a lot I want to do.  There is a lot of guilt in the circle that is what I want to do, what I want to be, what I hope for, what I know I should do.

Since the only person I can change or influence is me, I need to really take a hard look at me.  What is it that I truly hope for?  What is it that I really want?  Why do I feel such guilt?

I can’t answer all those questions.  I don’t know how to.  What I do know is that I need goals.  Goals and lists are something that I can see and do and understand.  I have lost the ability to just have or let things happen.

I am starting by creating a 30 list.  30 things to do before I turn 30. 

I am open to suggestions. 

Knowing how much this is a really personal thing… no offense but the list will not be openly shared.

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~ by monrae on November 12, 2009.

2 Responses to “Needing that outlet”

  1. That is the same reason I started blogging, and sometimes I am sorry that I deleted the Myspace account. I thought that I could use blogging as a form of self therapy. I figured that just talking out loud about things would be beneficial, whether or not anybody heard it. Does it work? I don’t know. I know talking to others has helped me a lot…friends and strangers have both helped me, more than I thought it would.

    The simplest questions are sometimes the hardest to answer, and it is frustrating that the answer does not come easy. What I’ve found is that taking little steps in the direction to self recovery is what works for me, kinda like “one day at a time”. I’ve also found with my personal life and my work life, I have to look at what really is important and pull those things close and the things that really are not that big of a deal can be dealt with later. When I am on my death bed, I don’t want to be laying there thinking, “I really would have liked to spend a little more time with…” or ” I should have called … and said ‘hi’ one more time”.

    I might be straying a little…One thing a remember about you is that you said once “I don’t regret”, I thought at the time “that’s easier said than done” but I believed that you mostly meant it…and I admired that.

    You say that goals and lists are things that you can see and understand, and we need to have them, but we can’t be controlled by them. I work on managing my goals and lists also. I’ve figured out with work, and while doing stuff around the house that I sometimes have unreal expectations…a certain task will take 4 yours to do, and I push myself to make my self imposed deadline, and more often than not, I realize that I did not give myself enough time, or budget enough money to finish the task. Before it would bug me… more, now it mostly isn’t a big deal. The main thing I try to do is tell myself that I want to try to meet my goals (or deadlines) but I sometimes have to tell myself to not lower my standards or shortcut myself, or my personal life to accomplish something under unrealistic circumstances.

    I am in no position to be giving advice…so take the above and below for what it’s worth…

    Somethings you have to let slide, (I know…easy to say, hard to do) somethings you have to do yourself, somethings you have to ask for help with…the trick is to find the balance and decipher what goes in what category…trust me, I know…I’m miserable at figuring this out myself… clean the catbox before I go to the emergency room?

    Anywho…I probably did not help…maybe I did, I’m here if you want some help.

    …And, I’ll work on a few things for your list, real things.

  2. *hug*

    Life is like the craft projects. There is always something around the corner that makes you set down what you are working on.

    You are doing a good job. May not feel it at the moment. May not feel it for many moments. But you are. This new phase of life that you’re on, the one where you work a ‘normal’ day, monday thru friday and have weekends, holidays, daycare ect… Its still new. do not look at the calendar and shake your head. It Is Still New.

    Personal goals are some of the hardest to reach. It doesn’t matter how many we set or how much we want them, unless we do the work we are not going to meet them. But oh do they feel good when we give them that hug hello.

    Look to your friends (framily) for support. Look to them as you would want them to look to you. If we know how to do something and you want to learn…ask. We would set aside time for you as you would us.

    Baby steps. As you taught me and flylady taught you. Baby steps. One chapter before bed. One goal at a time. Skydiving is a great goal. But now? in December…bad idea… Learning to sew, yes, I can teach you this in a day. Enough at least to have you not cursing your crafty over achiever self.

    Step aside and take a deep breath.

    You are important and your goals and accomplishments and dreams and ideas are a huge part of who you are and who you are becoming. I am glad that you are blogging again. Please continue. You are right, the outlet is good. Healthy. It can mark your successes and help work through the road blocks.

    So here are my suggestions for your 30.

    Short Motorcycle Trip (nothing to horribly ambitious, Emma Krumbies, Alpaca Farm, Marrakesh…)

    Sewing Basics (One day, One or two bottles of wine)

    Oprah. Need I say more. Next year is her last and by all, I wanna go a show.

    You can do it. I know you can. I believe in you. Its believing in yourself that’s the biggest and hardest and most wonderful goal of all.

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