habits are hard to break

There are things I find myself doing that I wonder why?  I just do them.  Not all of the just do’s are good just do’s… there are those I see as bad habits.  If you note the new blog dietersdiaries.wordpress.com I talk about eating.  I do consider it a bad habit.  Another bad habit and I am very guilty of this one, is the uncontrolable emotion ups and downs.  I knew being laid off would be hard.  I tried to put on the relieved face.  I tried to make it sound like a good thing.  However I am just in my head, and in these four walls… which are not padded, ouch!

I find myself in super highs when I have had  a pot of coffee and running around cleaning like crazy.  I can rule the world, I can climb any mountain, I can be anything I want to be… Then the coffee leaves me much the same way in went in, fast and hot.  Sorry that was graffic.  I flush away all the ambition , yet again, my apologise for the graffic nature of this, and sink back into a world of “what am I doing here doing nothing for the world just cleaning cleaning cleaning all to watch it go to hell before the time I go to bed and get up tomorrow to do it again but have no idea how to make it worthwhile feeling while sitting here in the moment.”

I grew up wanting to be so many things.  I wanted to do something to really change the world.  Or at least change someone’s world around me.  I know that I have touched people.  I found that out a few months ago.  I was given a great gift in having a friend reconnected to me.  Helping me see who I once was.  Helping me to recreate the girl who would conquer the world before lunch just so she could take a shower and clean up before cocktails.  That is a gift I can’t explain.   I don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t been given that, in some ways it came around full circle…

I find myself seeking the people who knew me way back when I was out to do anything and be anything, to be young and stupid but with an oldsoul wisdom.  I find that as I talk with them, I find bits of me that were covered by the me that I am so frustrated with today.  Today I find more need in cleaning the kitchen than writing.  I find more need in laundry than in going to the grocery store at 2am in pajamas.  I find more need to take care of others than in taking care of myself.  I, once ,way back when was stronger because I would take care of me, then take care of others.  I would enjoy the things in life that brought me pleasure.  I would still take time to care for those around me, butI never gave all my energy leaving me too drained to be me.  From what I understand, it shows. 

I spent some time, the past three weekends to be exact in Wisconsin.  I have loved it.  It was great to be more of the old me.  It was amazing to see glimpses of what once was.  My best friend from college and I were curled up in our beds half knitting (well not really knitting, but yarn was on the bed so it counts) half talking, just there in the moment.  There was nothing but what we were talking about.  It was a moment where my energy was for something I was happy in and doing.  She paused as we were talking, just to love the moment out loud.  It was a moment and a feeling I won’t soon forget.  I was happy.  I wasn’t worried about cleaning up my clothes that I had flug all over the room in search of yoga pants.  I wasn’t worried about dinner, or bedtime or bathtime or doing the dishes.  I wasn’t worried about bills.  I wasn’t worried about anything.  I don’t really know the last time I wasn’t worried or stressed about something.

I know that life can’t be without responsiblity and with that comes stress.  I am not trying to crawl back in Twilight (don’t worry I am still beyond in love with it, but I do now see it is a book, not a life that can be crawled into).  I miss the feeling of being me where I can laugh and cry and scream and dance… without worry.  It has been so long since I had felt like that. 

The new me isn’t without joy.  It is just so far removed from what I once thought it would be.  I don’t hate the new me on an entire level.  I need to see more good in the new me, because all I see are things I want to change.  I want to have more of the powerful feeling that I once had.  I have more power now as I have seen more, been more… I am more than I once was. 

I am going to try to keep myself more even and focus on the things that make me happy, so I can have something left to give.  I can’t be tired like this all the time.  I can’t be frustrated like this all the time.  I have to find a way to be the old me, in the new me life.  I guess old habits are hard to break, but there are some worth trying to change.

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~ by monrae on January 29, 2009.

2 Responses to “habits are hard to break”

  1. That is a lot of crazy to take in… plus the writing is a little incoherient.

  2. sometimes that doesnt matter. sometimes you just have to write it out. that’s part of what you’re doing here. just writing it out.

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