Aquila, Soap and the Lost

For whatever reason, I have started to really care if I am happy or not.  I know this sounds strange to many people, but this is a huge deal for me.  I am not the person I was a year ago.  I am not the person I was 5 years ago.  I am not the person I was 10 years ago.  I am barely the person I was the day before.  I know a few things to be true.  Those things are the ones that are a driving force for me to find my happiness.

This is a long and desperately difficult process.  What makes you happy?  I can’t answer that to the fullest degree.  That is what this is about it.  I know that I have been unhappy for a very long time.  I know that I am not going to be unhappy for much longer.  I am going to get over this and be a better person for it.

One of the great debates in the quest for happiness was the search for work that makes me feel as though I am making a difference or that I am at least doing … something… I was worried about my job in the fact that it was never what I was hired as, I was told I could work form home, and that didn’t happen… Lots of things were just off enough that I was really starting to worry that I was causing more mental harm to myself by going.  That was solved by my being laid off on Monday.  I am not sure how I really feel about it.  There is a small bit of relief, there is a bit of guilt, there is a lot of what if, then there is the question as to money.  I didn’t make much.  But it was nice to make something.  To have some money that was… mine.  That I earned.  That wasn’t a part of the collective.  I sit in a state of panic over stupid things rather than the big things.  I panic over the fact that I will have to get my nails taken off, rather than fill them.  That was one of those things that I love, that is special for me… but I am not working, so I shouldn’t spend the money on it.  That instead of getting up in the morning and getting ready for work, I have to find something to make the day worth getting up for.  I don’t want to just be here… I don’t want to be nothing… I want to be special, I want to be someone who makes a difference… I want to be in the world, not just a small part of it.

I remember getting up in the mornings at Aquila.  I remember the feeling of pushing my everybeing to mop the laundry, vac the entry way and windex a few key windows.  I remember going into my kitchen and looking around, to just think how I know what I was doing wasn’t enough.  Then going back out and doing something else.  After whatever that something else was, I would stand in the kitchen and start it all over.  All the while having my little girl staring at me.  I would play with her and involve her in whatever I was doing.  We’d sing, we’d dance… but I know I never did enough.  Here I am, 4 years later, standing in the kitchen…

In my state of small panic, I decided to make liquid soap today.  Grate up bar soap mix with hot water and pour into the dispensers… one reason was to use the soap in the cabinet, the other was I couldn’t see spending money on liquid soap, when I can make it.

I deep sense of being lost if where I am.  I don’t know where to put my energies.  I don’t know where to put my thoughts.  Just when I thought I was getting myself into a good state of mind to be happy to teach myself step by step what I need to be happy… I stand in my kitchen.  There are fleeting hints from somewhere telling me that this is where I should be at this moment.  That not having a job, again, and not having a life… outside of my house, is opening a door for me.  That a higher power is hinting to me to just do whatever it is I need to just do to be happy.

I am hoping that in the hinting, I will do the laundry and instead of finding junk in pockets, I am praying for a road map.  I am hoping somehow, that the hinting stops and things become clear as to how and when and where.  Until that happens, I trudge on it.  Step by baby step I keep going.  One forward, one back, two forward, one back… as long as I don’t fall back, keep going…

I am within 7 pounds of my goal weight… I am happy… I am terrified.  I am sitting at home… with food and nothing to do and no sense of having myself be worth the effort to continue the battle for those 7 pounds.  Think about it, I don’t do anything, I don’t see anyone, I am just here… cleaning, cooking, watching tv, doing anything I can to occupy my mind.  Why should I be concerned with my physical… no one sees me.  There isn’t anything giving me the driving sense of making myself more than I am at this moment.

I’ve got music going, laundry going, and new mascara.  What, I’ve got to try to be happy about something each day?  I leave with the hope of summer… and dancing… and happiness found.

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~ by monrae on January 14, 2009.

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