The best of intentions

Do you ever notice the best of intentions do not always end up the way you thought?  There is a lot of that going around and we are only a few days into 2009.

This year for Christmas, and things are not necesairly my “thing,” so please excuse my talking about this… I got a new phone.  I have never owned a phone that isn’t the whatever they’ll give me phone.  I love it.  I mean I really do love it.  It is dumb to say, but I feel a bit special having it.  Because again, I have never had anything beyond what they will give me.  I have a phone that does everything I want and 10 times more than that.  I can do everything I have ever wanted to do on a phone.  Plus, it fits in my pocket.  There is a small pride in having this phone that would normally be for “important” people, or people who would really need to check email from their phone, or people who send lots of pictures from their phone, or people who are special enough to have a non-what they’ll give me phone.  It is with that sense that I get to have something that is nice, something that is beyond what I have ever done that makes me so f*ing crazy!  I know it is fun to mess with people, I do it too.  It is hard when for the first time ever you have something you are happy and proud of to have, when others mess with you.  I am ok with it most of the time, and even with my phone I am ok with it most of the time.  I know that MOST people are not going to break my phone.  I know that MOST people do it just to have a little fun.  … … but it is hard when you see one person who is known for breaking anything they touch, who breaks seemingly indestrucatble kids toys, takes your phone, with the best of intentions and you see something go wrong.  Then it is hard to hand over the phone again… to watch them do something you don’t understand and not to have them explain what they are doing.  I don’t mean to be such a bitch, but it is my phone… show me, teach me, tell me how to do it.  I’d love to learn.  I want to learn.  I want to know… Is it possessive and stupid, yes!  I am going to try to be better about it.  I just don’t want to see it broken and I want to know and I am a stupid girl who just can’t let go of the thought of it is going to be ruined and I don’t want to be mad or sad when it does happen, so if it does happen let me be the one to do it because I can stand being mad and sad at myself… *pant pant pant breath*

I spent the later weeks of 2008 trying to get caught up.  Trying to not be so far behind.  I read once that you should never think or talk about how busy you are with everyday things, laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc… because everyone is busy with life.  It is hard to do, especially when you are greated in the morning by a child who has no clean pants, a kitchen full of dirty dishes, soda cans everywhere, blankets and stuff all over… So it is my decision that I am not going to talk about being behind.  I am not going to dwell on it.  I am going to ‘just do.’  When I start to feel behind I am going to get up and 15 minutes at a time ‘just do.’  I am going to set out of list of the “bigger” or uncommon projects for the week and ‘just do’ them.  Most of the time they are going to be silly simple little things like the start of this week’s list.  Move compost spinner into garage.  Move garbage cans closer to door in garage.  Get batteries.  Get car tabs.  Nothing on it is complicated.  It just needs me to ‘just do’ them.  The best of intentions I have… but leave me behind and in a mental rut trying to claw my way out.  I have to stop thinking and start ‘just doing.’  One thing at a time, one baby step at a time.

Along these lines I have to work on not reading into what people say.  There are times when it is ok… but certain words just ring in my head.  I am still a little dazed after the games and fun we had at the house last night.  Words keep resonating in my head “drama” “bitch” “whatevs” “unimpressed” … I just want it to stop.  I know I am the only one who can do that… but I feel powerless in my own world to make that happen.  Maybe I needs meds, or therapy, or sun, or tanning or a straight jacket… I don’t know.  I am going to let the words be quited by music as I clean up the kitchen.  I am going to not take words as seriously.

2009 here we come with the best of intentions!


~ by monrae on January 4, 2009.

3 Responses to “The best of intentions”

  1. You are right, it bugs me too…I promise to behave, and I’m sorry for starting trouble and adding a word to your head that should not belong there. Thank you for saying something, honesty never hurts.

    • You didn’t cause trouble! It was me, being crazy, I just hate how drama happens… then I hate that I am in it.

  2. Its not just you.

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