Protected: Creative, chaos, and closer

•November 29, 2009 • Enter your password to view comments.

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Needing that outlet

•November 12, 2009 • 2 Comments

There is no reason to blog other than to let others know how you feel or what is going on in your life.  Unless… you are as crazy as I am.  I just need that outlet.  I need to write what is going on in my head.  I need to “let all the little voices out.” 

Life has really just had me down.  Between work, home and everything thereafter… it seems there is little room for something that is … is… a time where I can relax and not have any emotion associated it with that time.

If I try to read I have guilt over not cleaning.  When I am cleaning I have guilt over not spending more time with Peanut.  When I am spending time with Peanut I feel a compulsion to try to make the house better… I want her to want to have her friends come over… and not be embarrassed… crap I forgot to have her call her friend back, I left work and she called… and by the time I picked her up and got home and got dinner on and picked up I forgot… now it is too late.

There is a circle affect of things leading to me feeling pressure or guilt to be doing more.  Do more, say more, cook more, clean more, make more, be more…

Next year I will be 30.  I know it is a long way away…

But not in my head. Not that anything in my head makes sense…

Here I ramble, hoping for some resolution.  Hoping for something.  There is a lot I hope for.  There is a lot I want to do.  There is a lot of guilt in the circle that is what I want to do, what I want to be, what I hope for, what I know I should do.

Since the only person I can change or influence is me, I need to really take a hard look at me.  What is it that I truly hope for?  What is it that I really want?  Why do I feel such guilt?

I can’t answer all those questions.  I don’t know how to.  What I do know is that I need goals.  Goals and lists are something that I can see and do and understand.  I have lost the ability to just have or let things happen.

I am starting by creating a 30 list.  30 things to do before I turn 30. 

I am open to suggestions. 

Knowing how much this is a really personal thing… no offense but the list will not be openly shared.

Local Music

•March 24, 2009 • 1 Comment

I love live music.  Love it.  All kinda of it.  Even music that I wouldn’t normally like, when live, it has an energy that just makes me love it.  Hard to really explain. 

I enjoy local bands.  Especially when you go for a night out and end up at a quiet little bar where the lighting is low, the walls are dark, the drinks are strong… and there is live music from a small stage.  There was one night in particular I remember… *sigh* it was a good night.  It was a memory of the music that I don’t believe could ever be repeated.  There was an energy that was so filling and so calm at the same time.  The love of the music went from the artists straight into my soul.  It was music I would listen to on a daily basis… however the one song has nearly become that.  It brings me back to the slightly crowded table filled with drinks and coffee and hands.  The lighting so dim you didn’t notice at first glance that the table was as filled as it was.  The candles flickering around creating more depth on the dark walls than the woodwork could ever do in day light.  A friend of a friend had played with one of the guys on stage a while back… yeah, and without a name he wasn’t going to be easy to track down.  Oh well.  You take the moment and live it as often as you can as a memory.

I really feel I am a dying breed when it comes to the love of live music.  The “older” generation or those in my generation who are still a bit older than I am seem to like the quite places where they can discuss politics and “adult” matters such as the economy and not be bothered by music.  Those younger than me, want music they know.  They want parties with pretty people and dancing and the flurry of energy from a cover band matching their talent with the knock of designer items they are wearing… There are very few people who can find a moment… in a small place… surrounded by unknown artists… in a candlelit room… with dark deep walls, pillars surrounding the bar while your table in inundated with glasses and mugs… and take it to heart. 

That was a one time thing for me.  As I said there are very few people who can appreciate it… and I know that is rare.  I only wish I knew then what I knew now, that the night in memory was going to be a solo event.  That each detail needed to be treasured.  Lock in the detail of if the walls were navy or eggplant… of that I am not sure.  They were dark.  Of the waitress, she was pleasant, but fast.  Was she old?  Was she young? Did she cherish the music? 

I would like to see more live music.  Groups or artists I know, and those I don’t know.  I hope in the summer to find a place to sit with a mug of coffee and stare into the night listening to the energy and passion flowing from the people who create music.

As I sit and listen to a song preformed by a friend of a friend who preformed with a guy on the stage in my memory … I raise my coffee mug to you and say… Scotty Devlin/Dervish/Devlsh (I can’t read the writing) … Thank you… Thank you for the memory. Thank you for your talent.  Thank you for sharing your music.

Insanities United

•March 23, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Wow.  I just saw that the blog previous to this one, was never posted, so I did that now… seems silly to blog right after publishing one.  Oh well.  Very little I do makes sense… to others that is.

Here I am Monday.  Got my BB (BlackBerry) playing music, LOVE the new earphones!!! They sit well and stay in.  Plus they are louder than the previous ones.  Texting with a few friends, seriously I can not explain the love I have for my phone.  It is sick really… but you know… I have had many vices in my short life.  Right now it is my BB.  I don’t like being seperated from it.  I like, as my dear friend put it, “to have my friends in my pocket.”  Greatest description I have heard to date!  I text, I use BB messenger, I send pic mail… Facebook… my phone is really my connection to the outside world!  Wow, yes I am that sad.  This is the first… nice phone I have had.  I didn’t know how much I would love a device that can do all that this does… it would be hard to go without it now.  I know… I have issues. 

The house is nasty.  Dishes are everywhere in the kitchen.  Laundry is piled in what feels like every room.  There isn’t a cleared flat surface to be seen.  The beds are not made.  Crazy as it is, I am not caring.  That isn’t true.  I am planning to clean, but I don’t have the panic I usually do when the house gets like this.  I relaxed yesterday.  Not just the feeling of not wanting to do anything, but really relaxed.  There wasn’t a feeling of having to do anything.  There wasn’t a lot of people in and out of the house.  There wasn’t really anything going on.  Watched Friends and Twilight with Andrea and Karl and Jaiden.  A simple day.  I think I really needed that.  No drama, no stress, no crazy… I feel ready to face this week, or as ready as I can without doing anything to prepare myself for it.

My new… idea… is to get Victoria’s hair from Twilight.  Only a bit more red… but not much.  Silly.  Not really.  I like to try new things.  And it has been a while since I have really changed up the hair.  Twilight was a great book… the movie still leaves me wanting more.  However, the second time was way way way better than the first.  The delted scenes make me sad.  Those were the good ones!!! Oh well.  The movie was what it was.  November 21st for New Moon.  I have high hopes for it.  Lots of Jacob.  Lots of fun interesting ways they could visualize the book.  Can’t wait for the cliff scene!  Or the motorcycles… but who can ever wait for motorcycles…

I have been fairly good about doing at least 1 mile on the treadmill a day. I need to add more to it.  I have been doing more isolations and more leg work… now to add more arms to the workout.  It is sad to say, I have an idea in my head of what I want to look like.  I am working toward it. I have goals.  In the next couple days I am going to make “dream boards” one for in the bedroom and one for by the treadmill.  Reminding me of what I want.  I think it will be a fun project.  Plus I hope seeing it more will help motivate me to keep working out and keep on the path.  Junk food has really been calling me.  Salty is my enemy.  Chips… amazingly salty potato chips.  *drool*

Time for a mile on the treadmill while laundry gets going.  Then to crank up music and hit the house.  It is going to be in better shape by the time 4pm hits.  Tonight the Spring Cleaning Schedule will be discussed and hopefully we can get a start on getting the house cleaned up to where it looks nice.  Have a great day, it is a little gray here, but it is peaceful.


•March 23, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Yes yes… I know it has been a while since I have blogged.  I am not good at the doing things on a regular basis.  Like laundry, it is an all of nothing kinda deal, no matter how hard I try to do one load a day, it is 5 or none.  And dishes, I find it impossible to wash the 2 cereal bowls and spoons in the morning.  Let’s wait until there are NONE!  Yes, my all or nothing attitude isn’t there for everything, but it is enough. 

I had an interview.  Got the job.  Seasonal work.  Working with plants!  Yay! So excited!  I am hoping that shortly after this position I will have some work or non-seasonal work lined up.  We will see.

That’s about it for right now.  I will try to be better about the blogging thing.  TRY… try… try… that’s all one can do.

Hello New Month

•February 1, 2009 • 2 Comments

The second month of this year… wow.  January went FAST! 

I have been doing odds and ends of things trying to keep myself entertained after being laid off… while applying/deciding where to work now.  One of those thing that needs to be on my Just Do List is go through ALL the links on my computer!  I have been cleaning up files and WOW!  There are so many things that I have seen and want to try or do… yet I haven’t touched them.  I am in need of just doing it.  We all know what I am talking about, the random google searches that lead you to see something you save as a favorite on your computer and in your head as a “that would be neat to do.”  Now is the time.  Now.  I am trying to live in the now.  I am trying to keep goals and life more short term as who knows what the future holds, but if you are always looking forward to something you are not loving this moment.

My short term goals are:

create a page on here of the Just Do items

work each day on these items

set smaller goals and FOLLOW through with them

write a lot, each day, as much as I can

enjoy this moment, this one I am in and not look to what is coming or going or where it might be LIVE NOW

habits are hard to break

•January 29, 2009 • 2 Comments

There are things I find myself doing that I wonder why?  I just do them.  Not all of the just do’s are good just do’s… there are those I see as bad habits.  If you note the new blog I talk about eating.  I do consider it a bad habit.  Another bad habit and I am very guilty of this one, is the uncontrolable emotion ups and downs.  I knew being laid off would be hard.  I tried to put on the relieved face.  I tried to make it sound like a good thing.  However I am just in my head, and in these four walls… which are not padded, ouch!

I find myself in super highs when I have had  a pot of coffee and running around cleaning like crazy.  I can rule the world, I can climb any mountain, I can be anything I want to be… Then the coffee leaves me much the same way in went in, fast and hot.  Sorry that was graffic.  I flush away all the ambition , yet again, my apologise for the graffic nature of this, and sink back into a world of “what am I doing here doing nothing for the world just cleaning cleaning cleaning all to watch it go to hell before the time I go to bed and get up tomorrow to do it again but have no idea how to make it worthwhile feeling while sitting here in the moment.”

I grew up wanting to be so many things.  I wanted to do something to really change the world.  Or at least change someone’s world around me.  I know that I have touched people.  I found that out a few months ago.  I was given a great gift in having a friend reconnected to me.  Helping me see who I once was.  Helping me to recreate the girl who would conquer the world before lunch just so she could take a shower and clean up before cocktails.  That is a gift I can’t explain.   I don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t been given that, in some ways it came around full circle…

I find myself seeking the people who knew me way back when I was out to do anything and be anything, to be young and stupid but with an oldsoul wisdom.  I find that as I talk with them, I find bits of me that were covered by the me that I am so frustrated with today.  Today I find more need in cleaning the kitchen than writing.  I find more need in laundry than in going to the grocery store at 2am in pajamas.  I find more need to take care of others than in taking care of myself.  I, once ,way back when was stronger because I would take care of me, then take care of others.  I would enjoy the things in life that brought me pleasure.  I would still take time to care for those around me, butI never gave all my energy leaving me too drained to be me.  From what I understand, it shows. 

I spent some time, the past three weekends to be exact in Wisconsin.  I have loved it.  It was great to be more of the old me.  It was amazing to see glimpses of what once was.  My best friend from college and I were curled up in our beds half knitting (well not really knitting, but yarn was on the bed so it counts) half talking, just there in the moment.  There was nothing but what we were talking about.  It was a moment where my energy was for something I was happy in and doing.  She paused as we were talking, just to love the moment out loud.  It was a moment and a feeling I won’t soon forget.  I was happy.  I wasn’t worried about cleaning up my clothes that I had flug all over the room in search of yoga pants.  I wasn’t worried about dinner, or bedtime or bathtime or doing the dishes.  I wasn’t worried about bills.  I wasn’t worried about anything.  I don’t really know the last time I wasn’t worried or stressed about something.

I know that life can’t be without responsiblity and with that comes stress.  I am not trying to crawl back in Twilight (don’t worry I am still beyond in love with it, but I do now see it is a book, not a life that can be crawled into).  I miss the feeling of being me where I can laugh and cry and scream and dance… without worry.  It has been so long since I had felt like that. 

The new me isn’t without joy.  It is just so far removed from what I once thought it would be.  I don’t hate the new me on an entire level.  I need to see more good in the new me, because all I see are things I want to change.  I want to have more of the powerful feeling that I once had.  I have more power now as I have seen more, been more… I am more than I once was. 

I am going to try to keep myself more even and focus on the things that make me happy, so I can have something left to give.  I can’t be tired like this all the time.  I can’t be frustrated like this all the time.  I have to find a way to be the old me, in the new me life.  I guess old habits are hard to break, but there are some worth trying to change.